SARAH and I eat salad on the floor.

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

Saturday, January 8, 2011 6:10PM

SARAH invited me home to her parent’s again. I went last night with her. I definitely like experimenting with her. And hooking up with her.

I am in a pizza place right now on the Upper Eastside, about to go and babysit for a woman and her son. These two boys were sitting in here, both from Italy and it’s so lovely hearing them speak Italian. For some reason, I’m not attracted to Italian men, I don’t know why. It’s like I think they are all so shady.

Anyway, DREW came over the other night. On Thursday for dinner. We had been texting each other. We texted each other all through New Year’s. We talked a few nights ago on the phone about us ending things, how he felt used, how he felt dumped, and it was definitely NOT a friendly conversation. I am attracted to him still. His voice, it’s his god damn voice that really does me in. And it’s a trip for me to feel such different things for him and SARAH. I wonder still if I’m attracted to her. I mean something is there where I enjoy kissing her. I want to kiss her. I can’t believe she wants to touch me.

The next day, after DREW spent the night, SARAH and I went to her house, and I made her dinner, and I check her out all the time. I think she always looks hot. Always. Is that what attraction is? Even though I get a rise when DREW touches me? She’s sitting on top of the kitchen island with her computer, and she’s watching me, and I want to make her happy and feel loved. And feel really appreciated because that’s what she deserves and it makes me feel good to provide that for her. I make an elaborate salad that we eat on the floor but I’m not thinking about marriage, or love, or forever. I’m thinking we’re kids doing what kids do and are having fun. I’ve never really in my life been with multiple people at the same time. Dated so many people at the same time. Invested myself into so many people at the same time. I always thought I was a monogamous person and perhaps I can be for the right person.

I am so scared to audition. To have an agent. To enter that world. I am not taking acting classes. I am acting in some shows but it’s not like I’m getting paid and it’s not like I’m deriving a lot of pleasure from much right now. Dating is sort of my thing. Is the thing I am committing myself to. It’s filling with me with some sort of strength and worth.

We eat the salad on the floor with diet cokes, and some mashed potatoes. I love that I can do that with her. After dinner, I take a shower, she walks into the bathroom to see me. I want her to come in. I beckon her to. Still it’s not the same as a guy, but I want her to join me. Because it’s new and fun. And she’s new and fun. And this is a new and fun. And we are new and fun for each other.

Later that night, we smoke a j, we sleep together, she makes me cum.

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SARAH and I have seen each other everyday…

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011 3:02 AM

I need a break from SARAH not because she isn’t great. She is. Of course she is. She is the coolest thing I’ve ever kissed. Probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever kissed. I had sex for the first time with a strap-on last night. What’s wrong with me? And why am I so sad again? So sad.

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

January 1, 2011

New Year’s was great. Falling over wasted. With my closest friends. SARAH and I flirting up a storm, hands all over each other. Touching each other. She had to go home because she got way wasted way fast. She came over when we all got back to my apartment from the warehouse party in Brooklyn. We slept together…I think…really it’s all a fog.

New Year’s Resolutions:

1) Get thin

2) Date people who are as fun as I am

Am I gay? Or at least a little bit?

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

I want to be gay. Gayer than I am. SARAH is one of my best friends. And is my dream girl. I’ve checked her out since the day I met her. Which was at Theatre school. If I had a type of girl, she’d be it. Tall, thin, flat chested, androgynous, fit, pretty face, clear skin. I remember when I first saw her–SARAH. I thought, “wow” there’s a girl I’m jealous of who I wish I looked like. I suppose the attraction started off as jealousy first. I saw her and thought “I’d like to have a banging body like that.” Over the years it somehow turned into, “I’d like to bang that body.”

So we’ve been banging and it’s new territory for me. Even though I’ve gone to an all girl’s college, slept with one woman, made out with a handful of them, it’s never felt like real attraction for me. It’s usually been curiosity that’s driven me to the point of hooking up with a girl. Curiosity would never be reason enough for me to hook up with a guy. I’d feel like shit if i did that.

Like I said, The first time I kissed her was in her car when she picked me up from my aunt’s house the day after Christmas. I was going to go to her place (well her parent’s place where she grew up). We were parked outside of her house. And I just did. Leaned over the middle console, took her face and pushed my lips against hers–I remember her brother was walking to the car because we were all going to get stoned together. She responded right away (great sign!) and I remember thinking, “damn, this is how girls kiss! girls kiss good. real good.” She really knows how to listen with her lips.

Soon thereafter, we were hooking up all the time. She’s the first woman I’ve ever really had SEX with. The first person I’ve ever used a strap-on with. I’m still jealous of her body, but can’t stop staring. I wish it could be more–as in…real you know…heat–like the way I feel when a hot guy touches me…And I’m hoping it grows into that. I really really am because she is by far the best person I’ve ever laid my lips upon. The coolest thing I ever kissed. Is. So. Hot. I want to flaunt her like a trophy wife–I will kick myself for life if I can’t get myself to pine after her the way I do for boys. I want to be gayer. I want to be gay for her. Want want want. Girl. girl. girl. Hot. hot. hot.

SARAH happened

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 31st, 2010 12:27AM.

The day after Christmas, on the 26th is when my friend SARAH picked me up and took me to her parents’ beautiful house (which is also in Bucks County).

I am not really sure how it happened but I knew getting into her car that something was going to. That I wanted something to. That it was run by curiosity or desire or admiration or something. That I felt for so long an attraction towards men thinking I too was attracted to women but knowing in my heart that my attraction for women is not the same as my attraction for men. For men, I feel obsessed, I feel a sexual rawness. Like I just want to rip his pants off. For women, there’s still hesitancy, a rare rise. But with SARAH, there was always something a LITTLE different.

So I don’t remember how it happened. I know alcohol and pot were involved. I know we were stoned in her car driving from Aunt Nana’s house to my house…and then…my god it’s all so foggy. It must have happened later that night. Because earlier in the day, after SAR and I drove around stoned, we decided to make a pact with her brother SEAN, SAR, and myself that the three of us would have sex. As in I would have sex with SEAN and SAR (separately) and they would have sex with me only so that we could enter in on this secret society and it would be something for us to share.

I remember glimmers of hooking up from the weekend. Making out with SAR on the air mattress while falling alseep to Knight and Day. I remember getting turned on by the way she moaned. How into it she was. And when she went down on me, and how fast she made me orgasm. And how much of a better kisser I thought she was compared to DREW. She really knows how to listen to your lips. In a way that DREW never really did. Kissing DREW was like…kissing something automatic, something running on battery. And right when I was able to compare SARAH to DREW and deem her the better hooker-upper, I knew something was there. Maybe not REAL, but certainly an attraction for women I have not felt before. SARAH instills within me a real sense of self confidence. I want to make her feel good. I want it to be hot for her. I want to get her really really turned on. It’s different hooking up with a girl than it is with a guy, but that doesn’t mean I don’t like it. I like it.

But I don’t get obsessive over girls. I try but it’s not happening. I get a rise when I hear a boy’s voice. Drew’s voice would turn me on. The moment I hear it, it’s like I want to have sex with his voice. I don’t quite have that yet with a woman.

I thought it would be harder to cross over with Sav, into the land of hooking up, since we’re friends and I consider one of my best. But I think we’re both on the same page in terms of risking something to gain a little bit. I think we realize we are both having fun with one another, and that it’s the only natural progression for our friendship to take since there is a mutual attraction for one another. I learn a lot from her. We’re both timid with one another. There’s still a little bit of hiding. Not looking in one another’s eyes. Oh god, that would be way way too intense.

I’m scared of falling for her. Because I don’t even know what that means. Falling for a girl.

I remember the morning after the first night we hooked up, I felt a little awkward. A little out of place, a little unable to accept it. Treated her like a friend, as opposed to a lover. But didn’t feel rejected when she did the same to me. Later the second night, we hooked up again, drunk and stoned of course, because it was what I needed to relax. She was sick so I made her a hot toddy. I made myself a vodka and cranberry, and we both got high. And once I was high, it was so clear in my head all the moves I wanted to make, all the ways I wanted to kiss her. It’s all so new to me. All of it. Not knowing really what’s going on.

The next day, Sav, Chase and I drove back into the city. And the two of us continued to flirt with one another. Sav won’t let me go down on her. She wants me to wait. She wants to wait. She says it’s nerves. I’m not sure quite what it is. Maybe it is. But if anyone should be nervous, it’s me because I have no idea what to do. I can only imagine what to do. And I’d imagine I’d be good at it because Sar and I are very good at listening to one another. And I want to take my time with her. And really tease her good. Be very slow with her. I want to taste her. Still vagina grosses me out but I don’t think hers would. I think hers would be beautiful, and clean. I think she would be very very clean and that’s really all I want when I go down on someone is clean genitals.

The last thing I want is to come off as clingy. The last thing I want is for her to freak out because honestly at this point, I’m not obsessed with her so she shouldn’t freak out. If she wanted to stop hooking up, I don’t think anything would hurt. And perhaps that’s how I know I’m not really into girls, because I don’t get as emotionally invested into them as I do with guys.

When I came back into the city, I went to see DREW, knowing that I’d sleep with him but would feel a little checked out of it. There’s a naturalness and funness to SARAH that helped me realized how much was lacking from my connection with DREW. It was a mutual separation. We both admitted to being incompatible. I think I wanted it to work because he wasn’t afraid of emoting like HARRY was. He wasn’t as afraid of having fun. He has a sick body, probably the hottest body I have ever slept with, with the exception of my high school beau JIM NELLI. Maybe the same. And it was great to be with someone with such a beautiful body. To be with someone who really worked at it. He slapped my face when we had sex and it was hot. Really hot.

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2010.

12:20AM.

 

I am writing while being held by DREW. I am in his bedroom wearing his pair of boxer briefs, a white tank top and sports bra. He wears only his boxers. He is so goddamn good looking and I am so wildly attracted to him. I love how affectionate he is.

 

There’s something that tells me not to trust him. Something that tells me that he will screw me over but I am attracted to the way he loves and shows his affections and shows his feelings. He is beautiful. A very beautiful person with a body I always dreamt of sleeping next to. The sexual chemistry isn’t there yet but I want it to be so badly and I think it will get there. I think we’ll get there. I love the sound of his voice. Anyone whose voice I am attracted to I am all about.

 

The sad thing is I am tricking him of so much.

 

MONDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2010

8:00AM.

 

I AM LOSING FOCUS. I have no idea what I am working towards right now. It’s all overwhelming and I am pouring myself into this person right now who I don’t really know but act like I do because it feels nice. Because I have convinced myself that this is what life is about. Loving.

 

I am so sleepy.

 

Why do I feel guilty for going back to sleep right now? I do. I feel guilty. I never wake up this early. I should just go to bed. Go back to bed.

This Twenty-something year old is getting vulnerable.

January 11, 2011 § Leave a comment

 

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2010 6:22PM

I am in a creative rut. I hate my body. I feel insecure most of the time unless DREW is telling me I have an attractive body or that I look hot doing yoga. I am creatively dry. I have forgotten how to write. I don’t know how to. I lack will. I have become lazy. I weight the most that I’ve weighed in years. All this to say I’m turning to writing prompts.

What is…

  • What is something you dislike about yourself?
  • What is something you do well?
  • What is your favourite room in your home and why?
  • What is a good neighbour?
  • What is the worst thing parents can do to their children?
  • What is your favourite time of day?
  • What is your idea of a dull evening?
  • What is the best way to treat meddlesome people?
  • What is something you are optimistic about?
  • What is something you are pessimistic about?
  • What is your most indispensable possession and why?
  • What is the meaning of “He laughs best who laughs last”?
  • What is your favourite song and why?
  • What is the best birthday present you ever received?
  • What is the best birthday present you could receive?
  • What is something that makes you feel sad?
  • What is your favourite book and why?
  • What is something that really bugs you?
  • What is something that really makes you angry?
  • What is the best advice you ever received?
  • What is your favourite holiday? What makes this holiday special?

Let’s start with WHAT IS SOMETHING YOU DO WELL?

 

I am responding to this prompt because I can feel myself entering a depressed state. I feel badly about myself. I don’t really have direction in life, I hate my body in this present moment and I don’t see the point in trying to continue things with DREW anymore. I am concerned with what he thinks about me. And making sure I maintain his interest. Enough so that I am falling into the trap of being a man’s ideal of me. I think I do this well. I think I know how to turn on the charm. How to change my voice so it’s enticing. I speak in the lower register. So they can take me seriously. I bought 3 tubes of mascara since I met DREW so my lashes could be longer for him: Maybelline XXL CurlPower, Covergirl Professional Natural Lash in Clear, And L’oreal Voluminious Million Lashes. (FYI, for the record, I give L’oreal Voluminous Million Lashes my highest rating since it actually does something to change the appearance of my eyes and face). I bought three different tubes of Mascara to put on my lashes to impress him. This is a sick sick thing women do isn’t it? We strive for beauty constantly. Oh God, I think I’m getting depressed again. I think I’m feeling the give-up on DREW. I want to sleep next to him tonight but maybe I want to sleep next to anyone tonight. No, I want to sleep next to him or I want to sleep next to HARRY.

 

So the something I do well? I was pretty good at being hot for awhile but now that my hair is growing out, and I’m 5 pounds heavier, I’m feeling pretty unhot.

 

I write these emails to and from myself that lists off “what you ate.” The subject title is “what you ate.”

Dear world, Izzie, along with millions of other spoiled American women is not well.